Hell on Heels

1. Do not ask me if my baby was “planned”. Of COURSE she was planned! We planned to get it on and we fully understood the outcome.

2. Do not touch my belly. It’s still my body and if you touch my body, I will hurt you.

3. Do not tell me the sex of my baby based on how/where my baby bump is. Just shut up. You sound stupid.

4. Do not tell me how much bigger I am than you were. This is just rude. 

Rant over- I’m sure there will be more to come. 

Not everyone who blogs is an aspiring writer. In fact, I’d venture to guess that MOST people who blog have no desire to be considered a serious writer, ever. Most of us know that without spell check, we’d misspell ever other word and that our grammar and punctuation are terrible. Guess what? We also know that we don’t care that this bothers you. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

“You are Heiress to the throne of God. You are valuable beyond measure, worth far more than gold. Those aren’t just words, that is TRUTH.”

*Actual love note from my forever partner. 

Last night while I was trying to sleep, I turned to Gary and asked “Will a day go by that I don’t think about it?”. He was sweet and insisted that some day it will. I’m unsure if this is true. 

Not a single day goes by that I don’t stop, drift off into la la land and see the shooting moment by moment. In my mind I turn around, see a man holding a gun, see the gun kick, hear the babies screaming for their daddy and then I lye my head in my lap and cry and pray. I do this every.single.day. It’s torture.

Also while I was drifting off to sleep I thought about a family that I don’t know. I thought about a woman and an unborn child that are fighting for their lives. I thought about her loving and devoted husband who is sitting by her side and praying without ceasing and asking everyone he knows and everyone he doesn’t know to pray for her. I prayed for them while I cried myself to sleep.

The first thing that came to mind this morning is that everyone has life altering tragedies. The old cliche of “be kind to one another because you don’t know what they are going through” is great. But how about “be kind to one another, period.”

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted but (as we all know) sometimes life gets in the way.

So many eye opening, emotional and (positive) life changing things have happened to me since the shooting. I’m going to go ahead and fast forward to the most important thing I believe I learned.

In June of 2011, I was subpoenaed to sit in on the trial of Cortez Waller. I was shocked devastated when I received the subpoena. The prosecuting attorneys were charging him with the 1st degree murder of Christopher Childress and 1st degree battery for myself.  I thought I was putting this behind me and now I have to face the man who had terrorized my dreams for the past year. 

I was sequestered for part of the first day. I barely remember it. I barely remember taking the stand. I barely remember being asked “Is the man who you saw shoot the gun sitting in this room today?” I barely remember trembling and telling of those terrifying moments when I thought I was going to be taken away from my kids. I DO however remember walking into the court room thinking “I hope this jerkface gets life in prison for all of the lives he’s destroyed”.

I sat through FIVE emotionally exhausting days of the trial. On day five of the trial, God told me to speak to Cortez. After the jury went back for deliberations, I asked one of the police officers guarding him if Cortez and I could speak. The officer immediately replied with “NO!” Cortez stood up and said “It’s OK, I want to speak to her”. Our eyes locked intently on each other and I extended my hand and introduced myself. His eyes welled up with tears and he said “I am so so sorry. I am sorry you were there. I did not know you were in the car.”  We immediately hugged each other and wept together. (I’m tearing up and trembling while I type this)  This was by far the most powerful and spiritual moment of my entire life. Because I did what God told me to do, Cortez and myself have closure.

We returned to the court room and I again sat behind his mother. I rubbed her back as we waited for the jury’s decision. Innocent. Cortez is innocent.

There are so many “reasons” as to why I was present for the shooting. I’m going to lump them into one… I was present for the shooting so that I could start my journey to become the person God intends for me to be.

P.S. Whatever happened to “innocent until proven guilty”? Think about that.

Four days (post) shooting I realized I needed to start the healing process. I couldn’t stay in bed and cry forever. Besides, that’s not me. I’m a survivor. I’ve survived physical, sexual and verbal abuse. I’ve survived starvation and neglect. And I’m going to survive and grow from this too.

I found an amazing book called “A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss”.  I fully attribute my amazing journey to peace and self-discovery, to this book. I’ll quickly summarize the book (however, I HIGHLY recommend reading it). The author lost his entire family (except his disabled son) in a tragic car accident. He journals his emotions and allows the reader to feel ‘normal’ for experiencing this emotional roller coaster. The ultimate outcome is that he hires a man and a woman to tend to his son and his home so he can move forward. The man and the woman fall in love, get married, and start a family. The author sees that if he had not lost his family, the man and woman would never have met and this beautiful new family would have never been created. Therefore, grace discovered.

Within days of reading the book, a gentleman was telling me of his heartache, physical and emotional pain, and his detachment from God. I listened to him without judgement and then proceeded to tell him about the shooting and the emotions I was experiencing. He thanked me for sharing and explained that I made him feel a little bit more normal (since we had similar emotions). I then gave him my book, “A Grace Discovered” and asked him to read it ASAP. The next day, the gentleman called and asked me to stop by his office so he could return my book. When I arrived, he was in tears. He divulged that his plans for the previous night were to take every last pill he had… and end his life. He explained that because I took the time to listen and to care, he felt like there was still hope. He read the book and he found direction. His exact words were “Thank you for saving my life.”

This is “reason” number three as to why I was present for the shooting: I discover and embrace my spiritual gift of encouragement.